themegaloo | A few things!

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A few things!

Firstly, I finally remembered the other amusing story I had intended to relate yesterday:

So, for like, ALL OF LAST YEAR, including the summer, I lived on the third floor, backside of the building. Well, back as in "the side not facing campus," because if you're ON that side it would seem to be the front and all, but for simplicity's sake, I'm calling it the backside of the building

Then a few weeks ago I moved to the SECOND floor on the [relative] frontside of the SAME building. [Not sharing space with so many people so it's smaller and I like it <3 Plus my roommate? Completely fabulous. Only awkward point is the ex-boyfriend across the hall who FLEES, apparently, when he seens me. =/]

So yesterday, walking in from class, etc, so on, so forth, dullness, listening to music and then....then I realize I'm five steps from the third floor on the [relative] backside of the building!

So, naturally, I face palm and waltz around the third floor and go down the steps next to my room. I know, it's not a thrilling story in the least, but I know some people will want to taunt me with it at least!

Other Notable Happenings:
1. Look at my previous entry. Look at the number of comments [currently 167]. I have -never in my life- had that many comments to a post in my LJ. Ever. My inbox? It died. I have it going through Thunderbird, checking like, every minute, I believe for that account and I was getting comment notifications in groups of between 4 and 6 every few minutes for a while. I loved it! *amused*
2. I do solemnly swear not to call Matt adorable.
3. Does anyone know where I can find jeans with like, striped [via seams] pant legs?
4. ...brain died. I swear there was more. Why does this always happen to me?! *headdesk*

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~~ah, well, I'm sure he appreciates it? I really do hope you guys can work all this out. =/~~

~~Me, too, dammit! Do you think I like seeing Matt so unhappy?~~

~~Certainly not, I think rather more highly of you than to think you enjoy causing him pain~~

I'm glad to see someone does.

I just... shit. Maybe he would be better off without me.

Enough of the strikeouts already. There is no point when the entire comment is struck-out. =/

I sincerely doubt that, he seems to completely adore you. Only in a far less girly-sounding way. Which I can't think of how to word.

But, did you not read what he's been saying? He doesn't want to leave you, he doesn't wnat to make you unhappy, he cares for you apparently a whole fucking lot, so don't be foolish, he certainly wouldn't be "better off without you."

All right.

... I can't imagine why.

Yes, I read it. And all that is true, but it's also true that he's hurting and it's my fault and I don't know how to fix it and I seem to make it worse whenever I try. I don't want to keep hurting him! What the fuck am I supposed to do, then?

Who knows why anyone falls for another person? Sometimes it's so completely illogical that it's stupid.

And yes, he's hurting, and yes, it's because of you. But you know? Cutting ties would probably hurt him just as much, if not more. The way I see it is that you need to have a very long talk, a talk about what the both of you are looking for. And you need to have a smilar talk with Hitsugaya as well. And between the three of you, something needs to be worked out. I'm not sure what, because I'm really just a by-stander here with a few insights, but something.

But what if I don't know what I want? What if none of us do? Do you really think we can work something out?

Who really can say they know exactly wht the want in life? What's important is that you at least talk to the people who matter and get an idea of it.

And as for whether something could work, yeah. I think you have a shot, but you can't just keep on Not Talking, because that lets resentment build up and all. Maybe you can "have the ebst of both worlds," so to say, but you have to be fair to them both, up-front and honest. You follow?

... Do you really think so? I'd like to believe it's possible. I don't want to lose either of them... but I don't want them hurting either. None of us really want to talk about it. But dammit, I'm trying to be fair and I'm sure as hell not lying about anything!

Yeah, yeah, I follow.

It seems that way to me at least. I think there's a definite possibility.

And I can see you don't want to talk about it, that's almost painfully obvious, but it certainly won't work if you don't, you realize.

What makes you say that?

But what if one of them makes me choose?

The way you and Matt interact. I think with you twoa t least...it could possibly work. I don't know Hitsugaya, so that's really the wild card to me.

And that's just a risk you might have to take. And even if it is the case, is it not better than losing them both because of this unintentional block in communitcation?

... I hope you're right.

It was a series of rather odd coincidences that led to me getting to know him. But it's worth doing. He's... well, I'm biased, so nevermind.

But I'm not ready! I can't choose! And... lose them both... that... I... that would be a disaster. I can't...

I think I need chocolate now. Maybe a lot of chocolate. I'll be back later. Perhaps. ~~When I come out from under the bed or wherever.~~

Only time will tell, really.

Don't panic, alright? Just...think things through, talk to them, that's your main thing. You can do this, I really think you can. And I don't think you'll lose them, really I don't, but if, like I said, you keep this Not Talking thing going, it becomes a very real possibility.

And yeah, eat chocolate, good plan.

How can I not panic when you suggest something like THAT? Do you have any idea how awful that would be?

It's not like they talk to me either! I have tried repeatedly to get Matt to talk to me about it and he WON'T! I can't FORCE him! So what the hell am I supposed to do?!?

Damn straight it's a good plan.

Well, I dind't say it to make you panic, certainly! I only mentioned it because it is a possibilty, and one you should be aware of. Also, a possibility laced with incentives for you to talk to them and work it out!

Yes, I'd noticed that he's more evasive than jello is from a fork, I guess all I can say to that is don't give up.

I've definitely had conversations where the second part doesn't want to push the issue that really needs to be pushed. He'll talk, eventually.

Yes, well, it's kind of hard to think when one is momentarily blindsided by visions of their life falling apart ~~again~~.

I've tried! Over and over! He'll sometimes kind of talk online, but in person? All he does is insist nothing is wrong. And if he won't talk to me, what the hell am I supposed to do? For that matter, how can he say I don't trust him? He clearly doesn't trust me or he'd tell me when something was wrong and what he wants! I hate that I'm guessing here! It drives me nuts that he can talk to you and not to me!

I guess it would be, yeah. =/ But you can do it. And it won't fall apart, or, well, you're not going to let it.

I..I'm sorry. I didn't realize that this would turn out this way, I mean, at least he said anything at all. I'm sorry it wasn't to you. He's just...he's really nervous about losing you too, and seems to believe that broaching the subject will lead to that, to you leaving. And I hate that for both of you and I'm really, really trying to convince him otherwise, but he's really quite difficult to convince. =/

I'm far too good at fucking things up, though. I excel at it.

I've told him over and over that I'm not leaving, not unless he pushes me away. And I told him to follow me if I were an idiot and did. What more can I do?

Tell me about it. I'd have more luck banging my head into a brick wall.

I think most people excel at it on some level or another.

I don't think you can do much more than that. That and hold to it, which I've no doubt you intend to do.

And. I'm not sure how exactly it happened, but he said he'd talk to you. So, good luck? Make sure he actually does.

Not generally to the extent I do of late.

But it's not bloody good enough, is it?

Thanks. I hope he will.

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