Oh look at me posting again!

[themegaloo]

Oh my darling flist. I have to laugh at you. Or some of you. Mostly the ones who've been reading Breaking Dawn and dying, of which there are a handful.

And I don't mean in a good way!

NOW. I'd like to come back and preface this with the fact that my opinion on this aren't about to change, you'll just have to deal with that. You are all welcome to comment and tell me how wrong you think I am about all this, but I won't believe you. In fact, I will probably laugh. A lot. So do so at your own leisure, I won't be offended. And I'm not seeking to offend any of YOU either. I'm just trying to bring a bit of joy back to these books for you, yes? The joy of Bad Writing. It's good for the soul.

You. You all amuse me so much right now. Do you know why? Because I found Breaking Dawn to be by far the most entertaining read out of the 4.

Let's break this down.

Twilight:
Some of the worst copy editing I have ever seen in my life. I could have bled red ink all over these pages, but the very simple fact of the matter is that Meyer's is a good storyteller and can get you wrapped up in her world even though her grammar and word choice is complete and utter rubbish. Seriously. Read through that with a definition of "purple prose" and a handbook of the English language and you'll see exactly what I mean, if you didn't the first time. Page 9- "had been belonged." Uh, what? Awful. Not the point. The plot was simple, stupid and worse than cliche. But it was fun. It's like watching a bad soap opera on daytime TV, you can't look away because it's just so amusing. And while you're wrapped up in that world, it's almost okay that the vampires are unnaturally attractive and perfect and talented and smart and SPARKLY because that's what you expect in that sort of story. All in good fun, guys! And the plot in Twilight was actually a bit alright, which is good, because the grammar was more than a bit horrifying.

New Moon:
Welcome to whiney-ville. "Oh no! He's gone! How can I live without him!" Uh, yeah. Puke central much? But then Jacob comes on the scene and Jacob, my dear Edward-fangirls, is human. Which makes him fantastically more interesting than some some guy who's lived 109 years and is practically perfect in every way. Mary Poppins LEAVES at the end of the movie, that's the point. You can't just have perfect there all the time, it has to GO AWAY and you have to learn to deal with it. Viola! It makes sense! Actually this was my LEAST favorite book because I sorta wanted Bella to DIAF for being a waste of life. The werewolf business was super fun though and I loved the stories there because look! Imperfections! Yet I still finished the book with no trouble because the plot was dumb and annoying, but intriguing enough to keep me going. And the grammar got a bit better. Must have fired the last editor. I'm speaking relatively here, folks.

Eclipse:
Now THIS was fun. LOVE TRIANGLE! Oh come on you idiots, work it out! I loved reading through that train wreck just because it was so funny to me. Yay werewolves! Yay vampires! Yay fighting! YAY LOVE TRIANGLE! I like watching people fail like that, it's funny. Schadenfreude, you know? I....don't have as much to say about this one. IT WAS STILL BAD, OF COURSE. Same old grammar problems, same old not-very-good plot, same old super-special vampires. (I'd like to take the moment to note that I like Alice and Carlisle. Carlisle is cool for the whole doctor thing and Alice is just so spunky and fun I can't help but like her. They amuse me.)

And now we have
Breaking Dawn:
First off, why should we expect the writing to be any better than the previous three books? It wasn't. It was equally as bad. I don't think it's much of a spoiler now that Jacob gets a section, which I found both fun (new voice omg NOT BELLA?!) and a bit wrong because it broke her pattern, but hey! It's not like she's trying to write great literature here like the Aeneid which carefully imitated the old Greek epics or Inferno, where every line was structured into terza rima or even a modernist work that makes a point of consistently breaking patterns. Her choice, man. And she's not about to make good ones, given her past writing.

And the plot, oh the plot. It's just like a daytime soap, folks. Train wreck all over the place. it's a teenaged vampire romance, of course it's stupid, of course the whole thing is completely ludicrous and makes you want to vomit in your mouth because that's what teen romance is like. Look at any pop culture depiction of it! All those movies! Is it ever realistic, is it ever not completely vomit-worthy schmoop? NOPE! Maybe you can be fooled for a moment but basically all "teen romances" are the same. Happily ever after with the perfect guy. This one just happens to be a bit cold, bloodthisty and sparkly.

The point! My dear, dear twilighters, is to laugh. Yes! It is ludicrous! Yes! It feels like the characters are being assraped (because they are, but they really weren't that much of characters to begin with, any belief beyond that is purely a figment of your imagination) and yes, the plot and its devices may make you want to curl up and die and it may get REALLY, REALLY slow in the middle of book three (seriously, I was baffled), but carry on! Stop forcing yourselves and just enjoy it for the terror it truly is! It is an amazing terror of a train wreck of a book and I loved reading it for how often it made me laugh my ass off.

Or don't, because your vomiting amuses me too. As long as I don't have to smell it.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

A+ post, Meg. I totally agree. It's the same reason why anyone reads badfic. It's so bad, you can't help but laugh your ass off and read it anyway. In fact, and I'm not the first person to say it, Twilight IS badfic in it's own special way.

[dynastic.livejournal.com]

Wow, I'm an idiot. WTF ANON COMMENT.

[themegaloo.livejournal.com]

HAAAAAAHAHAHA I was like "SOMEBODY?!" WHAT?

It really is. It's golden badfic that got published!

[dynastic.livejournal.com]

SOMEBODY IS STALKING YOUR ENTRIES! :O

Oh, that Stephanie Meyer. HOW DID SHE GET AWAY WITH IT? You make me want to actually read the books now, Meg.

[themegaloo.livejournal.com]

:OOOO OH NOES! Actually, those comments are usually my mom, who isn't awake yet.

.....How did I bash it left and right and up and down and make you want to read it?

I have got some major skills to do that, man.

[dynastic.livejournal.com]

Yes, well, I'm definitely not your mom. So.

... I have no idea. I'm silly and like reading horrible things to entertain me. Plus, it's 7am. Woe.

[nickelodeon.livejournal.com]

I bought the book at the airport when my flight was delayed. I read chapter one and...I don't know if I can continue. ;_;

Is Bella that unlikeable through the entire series?

[prpl_pen]

YES. She's so horrible.

I just read for Jacob.

[nickelodeon.livejournal.com]

Oh man. That's not very reassuring. ;_;

Especially since I haven't even met Jacob yet. All I've read so far is Bella going: "I'm the new girl and my life is HORRIBLE even though, as I describe it, it's not even BAD. I am overly paranoid and think the school is GAWKING at me when they're actually all really friendly but I treat them like crap anyway!"

[prpl_pen]

Oh man, wait, you mean the first book don't you? I thought you meant Breaking Dawn at first, but that wouldn't really make much sense if you haven't read any of the others. Jacob has like...a small role in the first one and doesn't really show up much at all until the second book. I dunno. They are like...a really fast read, but looking back on it not all that much even happens in the first one except...sparkly love and a little bit of plot slapped on near the end. Gotta say, I really don't see these as books you'd enjoy, Steph. :\

[nickelodeon.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I don't either, to be honest. But I'm...trying? Or tried. I'll try again at the airport and at my flight home but it was a $10 investment so I'm not too worried about not finishing.

[xredribbon.livejournal.com]

All I got from her in the first chapter was "WHINE WHINE COMPLAIN COMPLAIN!" My sister looked so offended when I handed the book back to her.

[themegaloo.livejournal.com]

In my opinion? YES. She never, ever stops whining. But I can laugh at her?

[prpl_pen]

Meh, I can't understand how someone would actually expect it to be good either, but I think SMeyer really outdid herself here. I mean....all those spoilers; at first I did think they were fake because WTF. Even a 13-year-old writing a vampire romance epic should know better.

[themegaloo.livejournal.com]

Same! Which is why I laughed so hard as they were all TRUE.

[spryng.livejournal.com]

Ah. So THAT's what the Twilight series is about. For a little while I thought it might actually be worth a gander, but now, not so much. I suffered through Eragon which was bad enough and it sounds like this is much the same kind of writing, except you can't ignore the bad characterizations as much.
But I have to know; what is this whole glittering vampires thing? Do they actually glitter? In front of people?

[themegaloo.livejournal.com]

Basically, yes! A vampire teen romance. But yeah, they sparkle in the sunlight, which is not USUALLY in front of people because they stay out of the sunlight? It's pretty hilarious!

[xredribbon.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHA! Schmoop. I think that's my new favorite word.

[themegaloo.livejournal.com]

I have skills with word invention. ;)

[uozlulu.livejournal.com]

I admit I get too much fun out of laughing at the Twighlight fandom. Being a soap opera hater, I could never get through any of the books >_>

[meggygurl.livejournal.com]

I read the first three... because I started and was unable to finish. Now I have downloaded the forth one (i refuse to give her money) and have been slowly going through it. I just got to the wedding when Jacob shows up (!!) and him being there makes it SO MUCH BETTER.

I loath Edwards and his "perfectness." It bores me.

I can't wait till I get to the baby having part. (I have read all the spoilers.) It will be great! SO MUCH ANGST.

[themegaloo.livejournal.com]

That is basically why I read the first three too, it's like, TRAIN WRECK! *_* Hahaha. AND I SO AGREE. Jacob being there made it way more fun and the SPOILERS, knowing them in advance made me crack up the whole time because LOLSERIOUSLY?!