sit down son

So, ninepointfivemm is evil for giving me the Costuming Bug, and I've been buying things piece by piece for the past little while, but with all the costumes I WANT TO DO, it's going to take a while. So, this is mostly a mental list for me of what I still need.

( COSTUMES GALORE! )

So, it's a well known fact that a- I don't update enough and b- I never see movies in a timely fashion. Okay, that's two facts. I finally saw Toy Story 3 tonight, mom got it on Netflix. Upon announcing to twitter that I was about to watch it, Anez tells me to get BOXES AND FACTORIES OF TISSUES, which I laughed it, because let's face it, it was funny. My dad went and got me a roll of toilet paper AND A TRASH CAN, Jessi agreed with Anez, and my mom is just sitting over on the couch being all knowing and "you WILL cry." I really should have known better.

My reaction, other than sobbing my fucking EYES out, as was apparently anticipated by anyone who had seen it, was to go to my room afterwards, go to my bed, and then proceed to walk around like this:



Actually, I'm still sitting like that, typing this entry. Only less with my face on his head because it's hard to see the screen like that. (except periodically WHEN I HAVE TO HUG HIM)

That, flist, is my oldest and most treasured toy from childhood. His name is Grandpa Bear and he has a story. Probably more importantly, he still lives on my bed, though many other stuffed animals have come & gone. (seriously, you cannot even understand how many stuffed animals I have owned, it's sort of scary) From the time that Grandpa Bear came into my possession, he has never lived in a toy box, though he didn't tend to travel overseas with me. I felt bad squishing him into my suitcase because he really wasn't a good size for it at all, I never had enough space. When I was little, I couldn't sleep without him. I still can't sleep without a stuffed animal of SOME kind in my arms, and I think that goes back to Grandpa Bear. I remember one time when he'd been left in the playroom & I couldn't find him crying until I had him in my arms so I could sleep again. I remember accidentally leaving him at home on a trip once and being bereft all night, unable to sleep. I love this teddy bear. So after that movie? Yeah, I had to go grab him (no finding required!) and hug him tightly.

This is Grandpa Bear's story:
His name is because of his origins. I never met my great-grandfather, he died when I was very young. He was in the hospital just after I was born and had seen a teddy bear in a store and he told my great-grandmother that he liked it. She bought it for him, but, as the story goes, he told her that he didn't have a use for a bear and to give it to me. Now, my family didn't live very close to them at all, and the first time I actually went up there to see my great-grandmother, he was long gone. She had this fantastic basement with a laundry hamper of old toys and I had the time of my life playing with them. I don't really know how old I was, maybe 3 or 4 (I know my youngest sister wasn't born yet, and I don't remember if the middle sister was or not, if so, she was an infant) but I still have vague memories of that visit. Most of this, however, is the story as my parents have told it to me.

I found Grandpa Bear among the other toys, my great-grandmother hadn't been able to bring herself to mail him to me, she'd kept him. But from the first day I found him, I adored him. I was devastated to have leave him behind in the way that all small children are when they're losing their new favorite toy, but it didn't last for long. She told me that "he was always meant to be yours" and I had a stuffed friend for life. He went home with me, but I made sure to bring him back again the next time we visited, so that she could say hello. (I'm pretty sure I had him write a letter too, but that could just be my overactive imagination.)

We've had some adventures, me and Grandpa Bear. And we're still going to have a lot more. And even if he doesn't go EVERYWHERE with me anymore, he'll always be at whatever place I'm calling home. Because if my teddy bear is not there? It's not really home.

Paradelle* for Rebirth

Break the walls down piece by piece
Break the walls down piece by piece.
Unbend nails and remove the boards
Unbend nails and remove the boards.
Nails break walls and piece the boards
By the down, unbend. Piece remove.

Barriers of the heart are made of stone
Barriers of the heart are made of stone,
People are the nails, piercing through
People are the nails, piercing through.
The people are made barriers of nails through the
Stone of the heart are piercing.

Deconstruct it all to atoms and molecules
Deconstruct it all to atoms and molecules
To create a new heart, breathing and open
To create a new heart, breathing and open.
Atoms to deconstruct molecules open a heart and
To create it all new and breathing.

A heart of stone and molecules of nails
Break the people through nails and boards.
Piece open the walls, unbend new piercing barriers.
Are to deconstruct by piece, breathing it down
And the atoms are made to create all heart.
Remove.


*A Paradelle is a fictional form of poetry created by Billy Collins to parody the strict forms (Sonnets, etc) which involves reusing the words of previous lines. See here for more information on the "form" and other examples.

This Paradelle was crafted for LJ Idol, season 7.

Once upon a time when I was young and innocent and watching as all the black caps flew into chaos at my high school graduation, I thought to myself: "This is it. This is when my life really begins."

Two years later and most of the excitement of college had faded, I no longer obsessively bought supplies for my classes and organized my notes and binders into anything I could easily access. Two years after we both left home and went to college I was back at home with my boyfriend for the weekend. Three and a half years in and things weren't going well, but I'd put so much time and effort into being with him that I didn't know how to stop. On Friday he was looking at engagement rings. On Sunday we were over. This was not the rest of my life, and I wasn't going to let anyone choose for me anymore. I decided then and there (after some angry tears, large amounts of chocolate and an embarrassing wipe-out of a fall at Walmart) that this was it, this was when my life was going to start.

A college town in the summer in a largely abandoned dorm (one of the few other inhabitants being aforementioned ex) is, in short, not the best place to kick start your brand new life. For months, all my networking fell flat, I still only had a handful of friends and my roommate had been dating my ex's roommate for longer than even he and I had known each other. But I still kept that drive, that decision that this freedom was when my life was going to start, I was not going to let anything keep me down, I was going to meet people and go places and learn to be outgoing and fun. I was going to pick my world up from the ruins it had become and goddamnit, I was going to enjoy it.

Eventually, it worked. My last year of college was one of the best times of my life. I had friends, I had people who cared about me, I was doing well, I had a plan. I had my moments where things didn't work how I wanted them too, but they worked out better for my initial failures. I missed all the deadlines for the American universities I was interested in but I managed to apply to one European one, I got in. I was over the moon. This was it, this was definitely it, this was when life really started. With moving, by myself, to Ireland.

My plan didn't work out. Sure, I went to Ireland, I got my degree, it was another amazing time in my life because all my hard work had paid off, I really had become fun, outgoing and interesting to be around. I knew everyone, they knew me, I loved every second of the social aspect of my decision. The academic? Well, parts I loved, parts I found mind-numbing. And in the end, I didn't have the drive to get over the mind-numbing because it was numbing all the passion I had once had for my plan. This was clearly not where my life was starting.

I came home. I wrote my dissertation. I tried dating again. I got a job. I applied to another degree and was working my way into excitement again, all read for my life to start, finally, because it was time, damnit, it was time for it to be my time.

It wasn't.

Life, I've found, is nothing but a constant series of winding myself up, hoping for the best, and eventually watching it drift away. It's grabbing that wind-up key and pushing with all your might to keep trying and keep riding the roller coaster that is life with all its ups and downs, being the little wind-up toy marching along and hoping he's not about to fall off a desk.

But no one gets anywhere without marching forward and sometimes in the brief instant before you crash on the floor, you fly.

Have you ever noticed that when you don't post for weeks on end, it gets harder and harder to find a reason to?

So hello, LiveJournal. I'm still out here, still kicking, still reading. Actually reading books again, even, which is really, really nice. Still working, but that's a story for another day.

New season of therealljidol is getting ready to start up, and I've missed writing like I was missing reading and this year, I'm not in the midst of dissertation madness and panics, I'm employed, and I've settled into the new place to the extent that I'll be sad to leave it in (less than) a month now.

Oh, the stories I have to tell...

ME: Do you ever realize that we are Very Strange?
JESSI: every damn day
ME: Oh good.

That is all.




In other news, we're making paper boats. I think I need a life.

So my MOTHER, of all people, pointed out to me that I pretty much never update this anymore. When that happens, I think it's definitely time for an update.

1. I'm doing well at the job still, actually, better than I had been before the past few weeks! I've done 20% of the store's income so far this month, which is a good indicator of excellent paychecks. The last one made me QUITE happy and if I hold the same this week, well. It should be likewise excellent. /CROSSES FINGERS. Work is most of what I do these days, though I do go out a bit and have actually started making FRIENDS around here, finally. So it's a bit more fun. There are still people at my job who sometimes make me want to kill babies, but I think that will always be true. Nuff said on that subject!

2. GO VISIT DALEK CULLEN ON TUMBLR!! He safely made it to mythologiced a while back now, and she took him on a tour of her fine city and has posted some of the most hilarious pictures. Do it. Do it now, you won't regret it. I got a tumblr for the purpose of following it but....I don't really know what to do with it. I'm themegaloo there too, if you'd like to, yanno, clue me in on what its purpose is?

3. I AM OFFICIALLY GOING TO DRAGONCON AGAIN THIS YEAR. Missing it last year was well worth it for being in France, but I'm quite pleased to be going back! It was a blast the year before, and I'm going to be a bit better prepared this time (IE, not starving myself, knowing the PIN for my debit card, and not going around almost entirely in partially borrowed costumes!) Though it's a bit more hassle since I no longer live an easy 2 hour drive away. Booked my plane ticket yesterday and will be staying with ninepointfivemm. Which brings me to ask- anyone on the flist other than her & pacergal84 planning to be there? LET ME KNOWWWW.

4. Have been randomly sucked back into HP fandom. Are there any recent epics out there? You know the sort, world building with a touch of slash (most pairings accepted!) that SUCK YOU IN? I've...been through most of my old favorites already, avoiding the abandoned WiPs because they still make me unaccountably sad.

5. There is no five. Because it's the number of chaos and I like the idea of ending on chaos.

• I joined a new RPG for the first time in....ages. I'm playing Merlin at planetrecursion. So far, it's amazingly hilarious.

• A large cockroach fell down the collar of my shirt last night. I stripped on the balcony and ran. Anyone hiding in the woods at 1 am got a show, otherwise? I'm still a bit unsettled about the fact that a roach just fell down my shirt. As has been pointed out, that takes talent. A talent I would rather not have, thank you.

• I applied to a real job. Teaching English at a local private school. We'll see how that goes! But teaching...might really be what I end up doing. I suppose we'll see! Many other things still on the cards, of course.

• I've also realized the strange thing that happened when I didn't get into UNC: I didn't actually run. I saw that there's an airline hiring flight attendants, based in Houston, and was momentarily severely tempted to go for it, but something about my life here makes me happy, even when I'm a raging ball of pissed off and upset, and I didn't really want to leave. In a way, that's sort of a first for me, because I thought of the people in my life before I went off on another adventure.

Maybe I'm finally growing up. I'm not sure what I think of that.


• Bonus note: Addicted to Criminal Minds.

( this is what we call making it )

\\o//

SO AS MANY OF YOU KNOW, I am meant to be traveling back to Dublin this week for graduation.

As all of you SHOULD KNOW, airspace in the UK&Ireland keeps getting shut down.

As everyone has told me for ages and I frequently disbelieved because *I* had never had an issue, Delta is crap.

I CANNOT figure out if my plane is actually going to get off the ground in New York or not. I'm meant to fly into JFK from Raleigh on Tuesday and then fly from there to Dublin that night, arriving at 10:30am Wednesday morning. Fairly typical, pretty used to it.

But this blasted volcano and its spewing ash all over the place and making air travel downright dangerous is Not Good. See, if this were just a vacation I would shift my schedule about, make big puppy eyes at my bosses, etc. But no, no indeed this is for GRADUATION which is THURSDAY. And yet in my stalking of the internet I keep coming across all the stories of those stranded and thinking my reason less valid because I'm putting myself in a position to get stranded instead of trying to get home to a job, a sick or pregnant relative, a son's wedding, a place where I'm not bankrupting myself for hotel costs, etc. I see all these things on the RTE site of people asking those traveling for pleasure to reschedule and feeling a bit bad because I know I won't. I want to be there, I miss it desperately and this, this right here is my opportunity to go back and DAMNIT, VOLCANO!! AND I NEED TO GRADUATE.

Where's a TARDIS when you need it.

That aside, work's been going well enough but I'm learning what it is to be really LIKED at a job. I'm meant to be part-time, right? Which when I was interviewing was defined for be as being under 35 hours. I've been regularly working close to 40 and actually getting SENT HOME EARLY because they don't do overtime and I need to get out of there before I'm on overtime hours. I've had some really good days lately, thought today was not my best. Felt really weird and tired all day for no apparent reason and it had me all off-balance. Annoying. Also was talking to a coworker today who said she didn't think I was going to make it when I first started because of the scared-shitless expression on my face the first few days. WELL YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE FRONT DESK. A position I wasn't trained for and didn't know what to do with because when people called I didn't have the INFORMATION to be competent. Bah. Proved them rather wrong though.

/babbles

REALLY I just want an answer to all the flight questions, want to know if I'm going over or not. Once I'm THERE I don't care too much about the ease of getting home, I have the day after I (hopefully) get back off and if flights get terribly delayed I'll have no problem in ringing them up and explaining the situation because there will be nothing else I COULD DO should that happen. And I know enough people that I could manage somehow.

PLEASE, VOLCANO, JUST LET ME GET TO DUBLIN.