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You know what? I came to a conclusion today.
I have never and will never be anything like graceful. I lack all attempts at grace. I run into things, I fall down, I flail, I talk madly with my hands without noticing, I can't just whip something out of a bag and turn it in, I have to stop and shuffle through the entire thing to find it, even if I made an honest attempt to put it somewhere easily locatable. My hair will never simply fall inplace, it will be in total disarray within five minutes. My eyebrows will constantly be trying to become one. I can't dance, I'm crap at looking pretty on a horse, when I'm walking around campus I'm weighed down by bags and books no matter what I do [how do people manage to do that? Not look like santa or something?]. If I've got said bags, I cannot stop and tie my shoe as I will not be able to stand back up easily. I lack social niceities without even trying. Two words: Smelly farts. I bumble, I'm awkward, I'm a walking disaster.
But you know what? I am damned exuberant about it all. Which is why I've decided that people like me. I'm an utter mess, but I will always laugh at myself for it, paly it off, not get upset or embarassed because you know what? It's just me, I can't help it. I'm everyone's perfect target for shaedenfreude and I don't mind at all.
I like being me. I like being this insane pile of Everything and Nothing and all things a touch awkward. I like that people can rarely hit my wavelength. I'm unique. I have something different, something special to offer the world. I'm hilarious because I find everything hilarious. I think that the fact that when birdy tried to wake me up, I rolled over and farted at her is about the most brilliant thing I've ever done and I don't even remember it.
Sometimes it seems like life sucks and that everyone's better off than me because they have all this grace, this luck with people and relationships and things not being entirely fucked up and weird and all...But wouldn't that be dull? I mean, no hump meant to those who've got that, and I know things are rarely as perfect as they seem. But I really. Some of the convoluted RL drama that falls in my life is just so bizzare it's stupid.
LIfe's okay. It's good. I'm great and fine with being single, with spending time alone. Sometimes I just want someone to kiss the hell out of because it would be fun and I like physical contact, but I also don't want that someone to be someone who has this slightly odd view of me as anything near that...that female stereotype of wanting to be in a relationship or whatever? I don't know. I'm not actively looking for it. I would be pleased as peaches one day to fall in love with someone who makes me utterly stupid. But it hasn't happened yet. So until then? I don't want something that's pretending to be that, something it isn't. Because I'm an utter mess and can't handle things like that with finesse.
I don't want romance, I don't want to be courted, I want a mate, a friend, someone who gets it and likes it and likes that I'm this bumbling crazy mess of a person and won't mind if I'm never perfect, never can achieve that sort of ideal "happily ever after" thing, etc.
I just want to be me. Because I like being me. I don't have to be perfect and controlled and live up to some bizarre standard only I get. I like my madness, my stupidity.
And that's something of a revelation.
I have never and will never be anything like graceful. I lack all attempts at grace. I run into things, I fall down, I flail, I talk madly with my hands without noticing, I can't just whip something out of a bag and turn it in, I have to stop and shuffle through the entire thing to find it, even if I made an honest attempt to put it somewhere easily locatable. My hair will never simply fall inplace, it will be in total disarray within five minutes. My eyebrows will constantly be trying to become one. I can't dance, I'm crap at looking pretty on a horse, when I'm walking around campus I'm weighed down by bags and books no matter what I do [how do people manage to do that? Not look like santa or something?]. If I've got said bags, I cannot stop and tie my shoe as I will not be able to stand back up easily. I lack social niceities without even trying. Two words: Smelly farts. I bumble, I'm awkward, I'm a walking disaster.
But you know what? I am damned exuberant about it all. Which is why I've decided that people like me. I'm an utter mess, but I will always laugh at myself for it, paly it off, not get upset or embarassed because you know what? It's just me, I can't help it. I'm everyone's perfect target for shaedenfreude and I don't mind at all.
I like being me. I like being this insane pile of Everything and Nothing and all things a touch awkward. I like that people can rarely hit my wavelength. I'm unique. I have something different, something special to offer the world. I'm hilarious because I find everything hilarious. I think that the fact that when birdy tried to wake me up, I rolled over and farted at her is about the most brilliant thing I've ever done and I don't even remember it.
Sometimes it seems like life sucks and that everyone's better off than me because they have all this grace, this luck with people and relationships and things not being entirely fucked up and weird and all...But wouldn't that be dull? I mean, no hump meant to those who've got that, and I know things are rarely as perfect as they seem. But I really. Some of the convoluted RL drama that falls in my life is just so bizzare it's stupid.
LIfe's okay. It's good. I'm great and fine with being single, with spending time alone. Sometimes I just want someone to kiss the hell out of because it would be fun and I like physical contact, but I also don't want that someone to be someone who has this slightly odd view of me as anything near that...that female stereotype of wanting to be in a relationship or whatever? I don't know. I'm not actively looking for it. I would be pleased as peaches one day to fall in love with someone who makes me utterly stupid. But it hasn't happened yet. So until then? I don't want something that's pretending to be that, something it isn't. Because I'm an utter mess and can't handle things like that with finesse.
I don't want romance, I don't want to be courted, I want a mate, a friend, someone who gets it and likes it and likes that I'm this bumbling crazy mess of a person and won't mind if I'm never perfect, never can achieve that sort of ideal "happily ever after" thing, etc.
I just want to be me. Because I like being me. I don't have to be perfect and controlled and live up to some bizarre standard only I get. I like my madness, my stupidity.
And that's something of a revelation.
